Every morning we are reminded that war is not a concept from history books and movies, but it is a reality that is happening almost around the corner. It is an obvious and clearly visible horror. But we also see the consequences in the change of priorities and in major changes in the work agenda, similar to the beginning of the pandemic. Of course, all this has an impact on our psyche as well. Every day I have coaching sessions with people who are embraced by their surroundings as great leaders. However, it is not uncommon for us to feel a sense of failure. No one is a robocop who doesn't have emotion and a deep-rooted inner voice of a critic. The latter is behind a kind of internal conflict that exhausts us, weakens us. We often see how the rigors of life weaken us, drain us, but from my practice it follows that the biggest guzzler of life energy is our own internal conflict.
- My marriage is in ruins, it's my fault. Could I have done more? As much as it hurts, I can't end it and hurt the kids.
- People will think I didn't raise my kids properly when they act like this.
- What if I'm left alone? Forever. What if no one can live with me?
- I'm weird/weird.
- Others will think that I can't do my job... that I can't do it.
- Does that even make sense?
- ...
And this inner voice is behind why we paradoxically explode at a partner, children or colleagues at work. Our little internal war is then carried outward. The opposite of such an aggressive reaction is then depression.
We all have this kind of critic in our head who compares us to some kind of non-existent ideal. It is a downside in our psyche, shaped by the constant evaluative comments of our parents, teachers, our surroundings. And our inner desire for harmony, acceptance, unconditional love accepted the image of our inadequacy imbued by those around us. Each of us coped with this image in our own way. Most often, we displace it, pretending to ourselves that we do not hear the voice of the critic. By doing this, we gave rise to unconscious holes in our self-esteem, with the silent fear that someone might accidentally catch sight of this image.
In our culture, for some reason, there is a fear of knowing our inner psychic world. Fear of a kind of Pandora's box. What he often does not realize is that this closet affects us all the more. Darkness creates stronger emotions. “I'm not too bad to need help!” We think often. Who needs to ask for help is really sick...
Personally, it always pleases me and I really appreciate it when a client has so much confidence in me that he opens up personal topics as well. It is impossible to separate the work and personal parts of our psyche. When we are bothered by the problems of our children or the tension between us and our partner, work can act as a distraction for a while. But while we sit in an important meeting, somewhere in the background of our psyche, our minds are still engaged in a topic that relates to us and our family.
Tips of the day:
- Try to have one session with someone you trust and feel safe with and describe any thoughts and concerns. Just pull it out. Don't address if it's prcottons and it's not worth the talk or a waste of time. Assess how you feel at the end of the session.
- Observe (really just observe) situations in which you “explode” or that dial you up and look at the thought behind the emotion of rage. Which beliefs trigger the way I feel? It is proven that merely being aware of this belief leads to a change in emotions and thus reactions.